Today I woke up with 5 twigs in my bed and 8 mosquito bites on my body. I guess I’m still in Maine…
Reaching the two-week mark in Maine has meant mainey things for me. We have had to stop in our driveway (and I use the term “driveway” loosely) for: a woodchuck, a turkey crossing with her young (fun fact: apparently turkeys will immediately abandon their young in times of danger), and a doe (a deer, a female deer) twice.
Oh and fun fact: I also swam in a river they found a dead body in, in the summertime of 2007. Yes in that summer just after graduation, when New York City and any idea of a place called Maine were so far away, the Bowdoinham police were fishing a body out of the river I happily played in to cool off.
How did I figure this out you ask? Well as I have only grown more and more suspicious of “Just Up the Hill” Lee I thought why not google murders in the area to make sure the frogs I hear at night aren’t just the cries of his previous victims. And you can imagine my excitement when I found out there was indeed a murder, it was indeed pretty recent, and the man imprisoned for the crime is indeed debatably innocent. Oh joy!
To give you some background. Bowdoinham has a population of about 2000 (thank you Wikipedia.) The “Town Center” is one restaurant that also serves as a convenience store and a gas station. Both of these buildings are about a one-minute walk from a gazebo we rehearse in over looking the river. So the dead center of Bowdoinham is where the floating corpse was discovered (now if that doesn’t possibly suggest a small town cover up I don’t know what does.)
Now the story only gets better. The man who has been charged with the crime and is currently serving life imprison was according to newspaper articles a happily married quiet farmer. The story of his activities the night of the murder are as follows:
“On July 6th the suspect came home from work (transporting frozen chickens from a slaughterhouse)”
So I’m going to pause right there. I personally believe it rarely works in your favor to visit slaughterhouses the day that you will be suspected of murdering someone. It paints a poor picture. Now, as Dan Savage would say it gets better…
“He planned to work on constructing a Greenhouse”
See this looks much better. Maybe he’s environmentally conscious. He probably buys local! I’m sure the only footprint he was worried about leaving was his carbon one. Right? Well the article continues…
“However, that project hit a glitch and sometime that afternoon he decided instead to take some amphetamines and go exploring in the woods near his home”
Umm…what? See that’s some sound logic, and completely understandable. I remember when my father was building my treehouse, every hour or so a measurement would be off, and I knew the only way to make him feel better for his human error was to run inside grab his meth pipe and let him go wander into our ravine and possibly murder passerby’s.
Now this suspect seems to have sealed his fate in prison. But WAIT there’s more.
According to the case reports the man repeatedly asked in trial for DNA testing which was rejected in court (possibly due to cost… which I don’t buy because everything in Maine is cheap as shit, why else would people live here?) And apparently a private test proved that the DNA from the girl’s fingernails (someone watched the Oprah special on what to do when you’re attacked) did not match the man in jail.
Which brings us back to LEE! From watching the movies of Wes Craven, Alfred Hitchcock and Eli Roth, the clear deduction is that this theater company who “just this year” are moving from LOS ANGELES one of the absolute epicenters for acting and performance to BOWDOINHAM, MAINE have brought me here to murder me. I am put up in a cottage when the rest of my castmates do homestays. The house is “for sale” and on a swamp. We rehearse by the scene of the crime. Clearly one night I will be suspiciously called for a “late rehearsal” and show up only to be drowned by masked hooligans.
Finally here is an example of a mask from the show that lets be honest looks like an extra prop from The Town.
Which brings me to with a philosophical question for you all to ponder: When actors get murdered, who plays them in the movie?
Who knows if this will be my last entry... but it’s been nice.
Until next time (if there is one…),
Whoever saves ME?
You are the Maine event
Goodbye
You are hysterical.... I am so glad you are my brother! Hope the play is going well and you are enjoying the Maine event! If Lee knocks on your door remember to reMaine calm and ask the Maineager for a refund!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove Jay, Linz and Josie